Lost, confused, everything a person with no direction feels is exactly where I am. The only actual thing I know is that I need to trust God. I feel as though every morning when I wake, I put blinders over my eyes, and proceed throughout my day trying desperately to feel what is in front of me. Trying to feel out every situation, conversation, every...everything.

December 27th, 2008

In the midst of constant chaos, my rest is in You. Through the pain and agony that rips through my heart, You, help me deal. Desperate, alone, in this time of darkness. I know You are there to guide me and direct me. If I should only reach out in blindness, and grasp your hand. The edge of a cliff, the end of the rope, is where I am. To the world, there is no return, but in You, these chains that bind me, are broken. The crooked way is made straight, the darkness turns to light.
When that day, moment, even hour may come, no one knows. I hold onto Your hand so tightly, while the storms of this world create waves that constantly crash around me. Threatening to pull me under. Just as the top of my head disappears, just as I begin to sink, You, reach down and pull me up. I gasp for air, clinging tightly to You, praying that You never leave me. But You, my Lord, only hold on so tight. You allow the waves to push me around .
As they crash around me, it sounds as though they cheer, they cheer in the hopes that the day will come, when they can swallow me up. But You, don't leave me here alone. From the beginning of this storm, when the first rain drop fell, You, were there.
You knew, May 30th, 2008, would be a part of my future. You knew, as far as this earth goes, that i would be left with nothing. And yet, You allowed it. There is growth, there is change, there is something You want to teach me, somewhere You want to take me. Abba, I am here.

The vacation is over

In the beginning it felt as though you went away on vacation or something. You know that feeling you get when you miss someone who's gone, but your happy because they will be back soon? That was how I was feeling. Like you were coming back... my heart was hopeful.

It's been almost 4 months and the vacation is over. My heart has finally come to the realization you are never coming back. This is a terrible feeling I just can't handle. I cry daily still, sneaking off to hide somewhere really quickly while I let out this pain that has come over me.
I start to cry, and as the tears fall my sobs turn into wailing that I just cannot control. My heart feels as though it will jump from my chest.My legs go weak. Joey reaches in to hug me but I turn him away. I want to be left with my aching heart.

I still hear from those who mean well, " this will get better in time."
Well as time goes on... it hurts even more. Simply because the minutes, the hours, the days that do go by are nasty reminders that someone you love so much will no longer be a part of your life.

August

Well it is now nearing the end of August. My birthday has come and gone, and though many have done things to help me celebrate... I'm just not there. Physically I am, I'm laughing, smiling, joking around. But on the inside my heart still aches.
This weekend is your 21st birthday Randall. I never thought I wouldn't be able to give you a hug and kiss.

My thoughts go back to what could have been. How could we have changed this for you Randall? Is there something we could have said or done to make this different?
Many say "There's a reason for everything." And though I appreciate their thoughts and prayers, to me a comment like that in a time like this just doesn't make any sense.
SO WHAT'S THE REASON? PLEASE... SOMEONE TELL ME THE REASON FOR MY 20 YEAR OLD BROTHER BEING TAKEN FROM US!!!

I cry every time I play with Emilio Randall, because i know how proud you were to finally have a nephew, someone you could play ball with, you could rough-house with... and now your gone. Emilio will never know what it's like to play with his Uncle Randall. Though you played together when he was a baby, he was just too young to understand.
I have pictures of you and him in his room, he kisses them every day. It sounds like this, " mmmmmmuuhh!"

I miss you so much Randall, daily I think of you. I fall asleep looking at pictures of you every night.

This weekend will make it three months since you've been gone.
I want time to stop time, another month cannot go by without me seeing you. As it gets further away, does your memory go as well? that's my fear... i must keep you alive within me somehow.

I'll see you Saturday Randall, I love you! Give Abba a hug for me.
Your big sis, Brandi

It's me!

I'm back! I started this blog a while back but never kept up with it.
Life got way crazy, so to set aside even 10 minutes a day was really hard.

Since the passing of my brother Randall I have had a lot of time to think about many things. My future posts will be just that, a journey through my heart, my thoughts.
Join me as I share what goes on in my life. Though sometimes I'm sure it won't make much sense to you... it's ok, because this is me.