In the beginning it felt as though you went away on vacation or something. You know that feeling you get when you miss someone who's gone, but your happy because they will be back soon? That was how I was feeling. Like you were coming back... my heart was hopeful.
It's been almost 4 months and the vacation is over. My heart has finally come to the realization you are never coming back. This is a terrible feeling I just can't handle. I cry daily still, sneaking off to hide somewhere really quickly while I let out this pain that has come over me.
I start to cry, and as the tears fall my sobs turn into wailing that I just cannot control. My heart feels as though it will jump from my chest.My legs go weak. Joey reaches in to hug me but I turn him away. I want to be left with my aching heart.
I still hear from those who mean well, " this will get better in time."
Well as time goes on... it hurts even more. Simply because the minutes, the hours, the days that do go by are nasty reminders that someone you love so much will no longer be a part of your life.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
August
Well it is now nearing the end of August. My birthday has come and gone, and though many have done things to help me celebrate... I'm just not there. Physically I am, I'm laughing, smiling, joking around. But on the inside my heart still aches.
This weekend is your 21st birthday Randall. I never thought I wouldn't be able to give you a hug and kiss.
My thoughts go back to what could have been. How could we have changed this for you Randall? Is there something we could have said or done to make this different?
Many say "There's a reason for everything." And though I appreciate their thoughts and prayers, to me a comment like that in a time like this just doesn't make any sense.
SO WHAT'S THE REASON? PLEASE... SOMEONE TELL ME THE REASON FOR MY 20 YEAR OLD BROTHER BEING TAKEN FROM US!!!
I cry every time I play with Emilio Randall, because i know how proud you were to finally have a nephew, someone you could play ball with, you could rough-house with... and now your gone. Emilio will never know what it's like to play with his Uncle Randall. Though you played together when he was a baby, he was just too young to understand.
I have pictures of you and him in his room, he kisses them every day. It sounds like this, " mmmmmmuuhh!"
I miss you so much Randall, daily I think of you. I fall asleep looking at pictures of you every night.
This weekend will make it three months since you've been gone.
I want time to stop time, another month cannot go by without me seeing you. As it gets further away, does your memory go as well? that's my fear... i must keep you alive within me somehow.
I'll see you Saturday Randall, I love you! Give Abba a hug for me.
Your big sis, Brandi
This weekend is your 21st birthday Randall. I never thought I wouldn't be able to give you a hug and kiss.
My thoughts go back to what could have been. How could we have changed this for you Randall? Is there something we could have said or done to make this different?
Many say "There's a reason for everything." And though I appreciate their thoughts and prayers, to me a comment like that in a time like this just doesn't make any sense.
SO WHAT'S THE REASON? PLEASE... SOMEONE TELL ME THE REASON FOR MY 20 YEAR OLD BROTHER BEING TAKEN FROM US!!!
I cry every time I play with Emilio Randall, because i know how proud you were to finally have a nephew, someone you could play ball with, you could rough-house with... and now your gone. Emilio will never know what it's like to play with his Uncle Randall. Though you played together when he was a baby, he was just too young to understand.
I have pictures of you and him in his room, he kisses them every day. It sounds like this, " mmmmmmuuhh!"
I miss you so much Randall, daily I think of you. I fall asleep looking at pictures of you every night.
This weekend will make it three months since you've been gone.
I want time to stop time, another month cannot go by without me seeing you. As it gets further away, does your memory go as well? that's my fear... i must keep you alive within me somehow.
I'll see you Saturday Randall, I love you! Give Abba a hug for me.
Your big sis, Brandi
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